Sides of Ourselves
by Sesshomaru-bishounen
Summary: Yaoi. Seifer isn't the same after being the Sorceress' Knight, condemning himself, he leaves the Garden...but what about Squall? Seifer left because he couldn't stand the scorn, especially from the man he loves. But does Squall really dislike Seifer? SxS
1. Prologue: With All Your Sins

:sigh: Ok, first, a nice disclaimer...I don't own Final Fantasy VIII And if I did, I'd sure as hell have Squall and Seifer around to keep me...:ahem: occupied.

Two, be nice. This is not the first time I've written these characters, but it sure is the first time I've let anyone besides my nearest and dearest friends read what I've written about them.

Three it's yaoi...but what else did you expect?

Oo.oO  
**Sides of Ourselves  
****  
**_With All Your Sins  
_Oo.oO

It seemed that things were finally returning to normal. That monotonous life of routine, training, and whatever else the superiors took into their heads to have those under them do. But though some of them might adhere to the illusion of normality, they all knew, even if at a subconscious level, those things would never be quite the same. And no one knew this better than Seifer Almasy.

He had been forgiven for what had occurred, as it was not entirely his fault, he was a powerful pawn in a game of chess which had swept them all up in its strategy. But in the end, he knew none of them would ever forget. Never. And least of all Squall Leonhart, and that in itself was the driving force behind the decision that the blond made.

He would rather have died than see the scorn and unforgiving judgment in those eyes, those eyes which were tempestuous as the sea. Tempestuous, not at all like the way Squall acted, cold, pushing others away from him. A leader, but an estranged one, one held apart from the others. Very few had managed to batter away through Squall's defenses and become close to him. Like Rinoa. Damn her, she and her persistence.

Seifer had pursued her, true, but not for any of the apparent reasons. Silly, it seemed now that he thought about it. Seifer had a reputation for being fearless, proud, boastful even. He had an attitude and he was proud of it. But there was one thing he was afraid of, afraid to admit, afraid…

What a loathsome word.

Squall had pushed him away, just like everyone else, so instead of a cheerful persistence, as Rinoa had taken as her stratagem, Seifer had settled for the opposite, an often less-than-friendly rivalry. As rivals, they were always measured against one another, always striving to attain higher honor. Squall….Squall was just gifted, there was no help for it. He had the gunblade as his chosen weapon, not precisely something a rookie could have mastered. He was skilled, of that there was no doubt. So, naturally, Seifer had to challenge him.

He had _hurt_ Squall, though. For that there was no excuse. Not only then, but in the service of the Sorceress. He deserved to die, he did. He could not go on looking every day at the scars he had placed on his rival. Rival. The word seemed very cold. Like Squall pretended to be.

But Seifer knew otherwise. There was a depth there that he savored, that he wanted to touch, not to devour, but to embrace. But it was a fleeting dream to him, Squall could feel nothing for him but hatred, had he not deserved it? Asked for it with every jibe and taunt? He was wrong, and he knew it. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Unrequited love…it hurts doesn't it?

Seifer's POV

I tried to many times, to be his friend, and like so many others, he pushed me away. The ice prince, indomitable, cold, and unconquerable behind the stony mask he had erected for the world to see. I challenged him, often, it was a way to be near him. He bore it. I loved him for that. I teased and I insulted him and he hated my guts. I loved him for that too.

Those flashes of irritation and anger were the only emotions that I could coax out of him. The only thing that could make those grey-blue eyes blaze. It was his own fault. You see, he looks so damn cute when he's mad.

But usually, he's indifferent to everything, even me. His favorite word seems to be "Whatever". But Rinoa and I we were the only ones with enough persistence to get to Squall; each with our own extremes. I wish to heaven I could coax a smile out of him, but sorry, I don't do the happy-bouncy thing. I'm more likely to scare the hell out of people that way anyhow. Should I suddenly become likable I think Quistis would suffer a nervous breakdown.

I'm stubborn, proud, and a general pompous ass. I suppose that's why the Sorceress was able to get her hooks in me. And believe me, living under Ultimecia's control is no party. Far from it. I'm a monster, you know, and nobody knows that better than Squall Leonhart.

They should have killed me.

Something has snapped. Something deep inside me. I can't be the cocky, uncaring Seifer Almasy I was before this. I-I broke. I came to my limits as the Sorceress' Knight. What she did to me…what she had done to me…I don't think I'll ever fully recover from an ordeal like that. Squall…his rivalry kept me sane, if I hadn't had a focus, everything I was would have been washed away like so much flotsam. Knowing I'm despised by my once-friends, beloved enemy, and the general populace doesn't do much for what's left of my self-esteem.

Squall. I respect him. Care about him. Love him. And that's why I have to leave. I can no longer stay at the Garden, the SeeD's don't want me here. I am, after all, a black mark on their record; an overshadowing of shame that I'll never be able to atone for, no matter to what hells I go.

It's ironic really. My greatest rival, my only true love. Sweet Hyne, I sound like a sappy love novel. Too much Irvine, I suppose. But I can't help it.

I made him hate me. Ruined any chance I ever had with him. Not that I ever had one. He's probably so damn straight you could use him as a ruler. So this is my burden, it's not his problem, just mine. Me, Seifer Almasy, handsome rogue and all-around arrogant bastard. Trust me to screw my life up into an irreparable mess.

He hates me.

_He HATES me!_

My bags are packed. I'll go out to the wastes, wilds, and wilderness. Maybe eventually some nice enemy will put me out of my misery, simply because I'm too great a coward to do it myself. Or perhaps Squall will finally make up his mind as to how great a threat I REALLY am and come hunt me down. Any way you look at it I'll eventually end up dead. That's all I'm good for, really. But then I've already told you that.

Goodbye, Leonhart, you're a better man than I. You're an unattainable goal. I simply hope you and Rinoa are happy together.

If only I was not so terrified to tell you the truth.

The truth of how much I love you. Love you so much it rips my heart out and steals my breath away, making me feel like a sorry little high school girl. Only you have this effect on me. You've undone me and been the making of me.

Sweet Hyne, how I love you.

Leonhart, I love you.

Why can't I tell you?

TBC

Oo.oO

Read, Review, Be nice.


	2. Unforeseen

**A/N: Here we are at chapter two. It's considerably longer than chapter one. It was also harder to write for some reason. **

**Disclaimer : I don't own it…:pout:**

**AND IT'S YAOI!**

**Author: Sesshoumaru-bishounen aka. Whisper**

**Oo.oO**

**Sides of Ourselves**

_Unforeseen _

Oo.oO

He's gone.

He's gone, and what's worse, he sent _Zell_ to tell me. Zell of all people! Naturally my outspoken blond friend with the gravity-defying hair didn't know what was going on either. He simply had an envelope that contained a short, succinct message. In truth it was quite unlike the Seifer I had known in the past years. Any message from him I would expect to be strategically written so that every statement somehow exalted the author. Not that it would actually convince the reader of the greatness of Seifer Almasy, but it did apparently make the writer's ego go up a few notches. This was nothing at all like that, in fact, it was so far removed from my rival's personality that I at first wondered if it was a forgery. Unfortunately I could think of no motive.

Zell stood watching me as I read the letter, watching for some trace of emotion to cross my face. Ha, good luck, I've had far too much practice at blocking out the world. I think the nerves between my brain and my face are pretty much severed; I almost pride myself in my control… only as of late there have been a few slip-ups. I'm involved in a war, what can you expect? Yes, the idiotic war. I guess it's rather past tense for most people, but not for me, and undeniably not for Seifer. I'm sorry we've made him feel this way. I certainly never wanted to make him feel alienated. Sure he's a stubborn, arrogant prick most of the time, but not totally beyond tolerance.

No, definitely not. Sometimes I wish he would just go away and give me some peace, but not for the reasons that everyone sees in my apparent irritation. No, not that at all. The truth was it stung. Somewhere underneath all that bluster, was something I must admit I admired. I really, really hated to admit that, but if you can't be honest with the rest of the world then the least one can do is be honest with oneself. So the utter, bare truth is that Squall Leonhart has a crush on Seifer Almasy. What a surprise.

That's why I wanted him to go away. He makes my emotions come to life in an uncontrollable fashion, and that in and of itself irks me. So instead of displaying what I'm truly feeling at those given moments, I channel it all into anger. If I'm annoyed, then no one suspects anything. In fact, it's safer to stay away from him entirely, to avoid him would be so much easier and the path of least resistance has its appeal, but no one has ever called me a coward. I'm not scared of Seifer, far from it, the only thing that intimidates me is my own feelings, they're a hell of a lot harder to tackle and they're even more persistent than Rinoa.

But now he's actually done it. My problem is, to be blunt, solved. Only now I'm finding that I didn't really want this situation to be resolved in this manner. I stare coldly at the offending piece of paper in my hand. If thoughts could indeed be projected, the letter would probably be incinerated, along with half the room. I am angry, frustrated and sad, and I _hate_ it. My emotions are NOT ALLOWED to be in control! Squall Leonhart, Lion of Balamb, is known to keep his cool in stressful situation…save those involving Seifer. But this was entirely different; it was like someone had hacked off a limb. This was less messy but, in a way I can't comprehend, no less painful.

And it really bites that he didn't come and tell me himself that he was leaving. I might actually have given him a piece of my mind for once. Not that it would have changed anything. I happen to know that once Seifer's mind is set, it's like an engraving in stone and it usually takes a lot more than a hammer and chisel to get it to say anything different.

Which brings me to yet another confusing point. It's true that many of the Garden's residents don't want him here, but to Seifer, at least the one I thought I knew, that would only present a challenge, one which he would take on with the superior smirk twisting his lips into an expression that reeked with supremacy. I'd really like to see that smirk right now. Never thought I'd think that, not about Sir Take-on-the-World.

Yeah, he did that, didn't he? And he lost. I have a sort of…ache, like I want to be able to touch him, right now, to place my fingers on his hand and know that he really exists. This letter, this cursed harbinger of loss, it's the only tangible proof I have that Seifer was ever here.

Hey, Squall, I'm not sure what you'll say when you read this, probably "Whatever", since I don't expect you to care, save maybe that I've deprived you of the chance to beat me into oblivion.

_I'm leaving, I'm probably already a good ways away as you read these words. They don't want me here, and I don't really have any reason to stay. Don't worry, I'm not out to cause trouble, I'll just exile myself instead of having someone else do it. That's the best sentence I've heard your average citizen offer you know, most just want my head on a pike. _

_There's some things I wanted to tell you before I left, Squall, but I couldn't, I guess I am a coward after all._

_Take care Squally._

_-Seifer Almasy_

Dammit! He can't do this to me! I will deal with this in a calm, reasonable manner befitting someone with my training and experience. I've been trained to handle these things from the moment that Quistis and the other instructors started to teach us. So, naturally, she'd have a if she could read my mind right now…contemplating the pursuit of my rival with questionable intent. I swear if Seifer had walked into the room at this very moment I wouldn't know whether to kiss him or kill him. I must admit that this whole thing seems silly, having these feelings flare to life over someone who surely doesn't want them directed at him.

Sounds like an explosive situation…

I really detest those.

I'm one of those people who prefers a routine and never gets one. Though it's likely I would find myself bored absolutely to tears should we ever manage the miracle of sticking to a schedule.

But now I couldn't care less. I think I'd take absolute chaos over the absence of my…well…what is Seifer to me anyway?

Time to face the facts, kid, Seifer has unwittingly forced your hand yet again. Never play hearts with your enemy, he holds all the good cards. And it's damn inconvenient.

I need to think. I truly don't know how important Seifer has become to me. I'm afraid of what this might mean.

Seifer is gone.

Sweet Hyne…what's wrong with me?

I stalk past Zell, who's still waiting for me to say something, sorry but his faithfulness isn't to be rewarded at the moment. I hate things I can't explain, they challenge something in the way my brain works apparently.

"Yo! Squall! What's wrong?"

"Hnn." I brush him off, shutting out whatever it is he's trying to tell me. I want to go to my room and, yes, sulk. I'm feeling lost at the moment…pissed off too. Human company is not something I can tolerate right now, sorry, Zell.

I may have just frightened a few people, storming down the hall like that. Ah, who cares? It will boost my reputation as the moody, stern, take-no-shit commander. It's good for my image.

Slamming my door was simply for effect I'm sure.

I sit heavily on the bed, for some unexplained reason I'm trembling. Why won't my own body even behave anymore? I'm losing control. I'm terrified, absolutely terrified of the prospect of life here without that arrogant obnoxious prick. I feel like I'm going to cry. An odd feeling that, I know I'm much to old to be turning on the waterworks over a crush. Really, Squall, you should be happy about this, but instead I'm miserable.

What a wretched person I am, to be so weak.

Seifer would probably laugh at me, the so-called commander and Lion of Balamb; nothing but a sham.

The ache has become pain, like you went and ripped my heart clean out of my chest and took it along with you.

Is this what love feels like?

I wouldn't know.

But I'm sure as hell going to find out.

TBC 

**Oo.oO**

**A/N: Read and review, it makes me very happy. Happy authors write more.**


	3. Taste of Denial

**Here we are at chapter three! Yay! It started as a one-shot, I really did mean for it to be a one-shot but now…the end is not in sight. Hope you're all ready because this story has a quite a bit more pull to it.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy. I cry into my pillow about it every night.**

Oo.oO

**Sides of Ourselves**

_ooo_

_Taste of Denial_

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Under normal circumstances it would never have been allowed. It went against nearly all protocols and broke the fragile illusion of utter control that had been carefully built around the trainees and SeeDs from the moment their training had begun. It was unseemly for one of their own to leave the Garden, however temporarily, for purely personal reasons and of their own motivation.

But the situation was far from ordinary, as was the particular occupant who was heading out for reasons of his own and whose motives were known only to him, though they were speculated on by many. He didn't bother to reveal why he was going, he didn't think they'd be able to understand something that he himself could not fully comprehend.

He'd even played a bit underhandedly to get this leave. He'd pulled a few strings and used his connections. It really does speed up the process if your father is Laguna Loire.

Everyone was positively heartbroken, naturally, that Squall was going away. Rinoa had cried, Zell had had a few choice words for him, and Irvine had given him a melodramatic overreaction. Selphie had said something, but she said it so fast that the grey-eyed brunette had been unsure whether she was telling him to take care or if she was outraged that he'd dare do such a thing. Quistis took it stoically, eyeing him critically over her glasses. She may have been the only one who had the merest inkling as to why Squall was taking this sudden trip. She was eerily perceptive sometimes.

Leave-taking was never an enjoyable experience, and with Squall it was particularly awkward. No one, save Rinoa, who nearly tackled him with an enthusiastic hug, got anything more than a handshake from the silent commander.

He had decided to go on foot. That was how Seifer had decided to make the trek, and he didn't want to stand any chance of passing him up. Luckily he had a pretty sure idea of where his rival had headed.

There were mountains on the horizon, and to the blond's sense of adventure, they must have presented an undeniable challenge, beckoning brave souls over. From the tone of his letter, it sounded as though Seifer thought he had something to prove. What better place than those dangerously beautiful peaks?

The sentries had indicated that the former Sorceresses' Knight had indeed headed that way. Therefore, Squall had his destination. If only finding Seifer could be as simple.

And this was considering that the blond didn't mind being found. As Squall recalled, his rival could make himself damnably scarce when he wanted to. But if anyone stood a fighting chance against finding the illusive ex-SeeD, it was his rival.

But before he'd even gone a mile, a small obstacle, actually, two of them, interrupted him. They seemed to almost materialize in front of him, causing him to tighten his grip on Lionheart, but the gunblade was unnecessary.

Arms crossed over their chests and a hard look in their eyes, Irvine and Zell obviously had things to say to their friend. Squall had given his comrades no reason for his departure, putting forth his usually stony façade in order to keep his motives hidden from them, a closely guarded secret that confused even its bearer.

Squall wondered if he were even capable of loving someone. He could vaguely remember, as a child, being terrified of being alone. So, he had introverted, pushing anyone away whom he had been afraid to lose, till he was left with the only person he felt he could trust. Himself. Which meant, if he was honest with himself, left him completely and utterly alone.

Unless he counted his Guardian Force. But Shiva was no replacement for human companionship, that was sure. So why did all these people still refer to the ever anti-social Leonhart as their friend? It was truly mystifying to him as to why anyone would bother, and even more puzzling as to why they would come after him. It couldn't be that they were concerned for his safety. Sanity, maybe, safety no.

At least he hoped not, because he liked to think himself self-reliant and like it or not it would be a huge slight to him if _that_ was why they had followed him out here.

He didn't say anything to them, but his eyes were full of enough ire to let them know he was irritated by their sudden intrusion. Though something inside him whispered that he was glad they were here, he was not going to give them the satisfaction of learning that.

"Hey Squall." Irvine said softly, breaking the ice that had seemed to solidify the air around them by the power of the commander's gaze alone. "So tell me, why are you leaving?" his sky-blue eyes were earnest.

"yeah." Zell apparently couldn't resist chiming in, "And more importantly, when are you coming back?" They then just looked at him, expecting an answer from him without further pressing.

Well, maybe he owed them something for their trouble. He ran a hand through his hair, unsure how to voice what he wanted to say without sounding utterly ridiculous or spilling his guts to them.

"Depends."

Irvine pursed his lips in a flash of annoyance, "Depends on what?"

"Seifer." Squall sighed, there, it was out. But that was all they were going to get.

He watched as the two absorbed this information, Zell blinking like mad and Irvine staring at him like he'd grown another leg.

"Um, Squall, man," Zell stumbled for a moment while the auburn-haired cowboy seemed dazed, "I-I may be getting loopy, but I could have sworn you just told us that the reason you wormed your way into getting leave was…_Seifer."_

Squall shrugged, "I did, so?"

Irvine was snapped from la-la land, "And why? Can't you just let him go? What do you want from him? The poor guy probably needs some peace!"

The brunette unconsciously hefted Lionheart up to rest on his shoulder, "That's my business."

"Dammit, Squall!" Zell moved forward quickly, so close that he was nearly in the other teen's face, "Why the hell can't you talk to us about this? We're your friends, Squall! And you just walk out set for Hyne knows where with hardly a word of explanation? Well, man, we're worried about you! Why do you have to be like this every single stinking time! I know it makes sense behind that scowl of yours, but you're leaving us in the dark!"

Irvine unconsciously reached out and brushed his fingertips across Zell's wrist in a calming gesture. He moved to stand slightly in front of the blond, gazing at Squall calmly. "We're just worried, don't we have that right?"

Squall sighed, his fingers combing through his chocolate locks again in a weary motion, "I'm not on some crusade for revenge." He assured, "Seifer just has some misconceptions about some things that I'd like to clear up." He made a little sound of bitter amusement, "Hell, I've got a few things I'd like to get straight. I just want to talk to him. Whether he comes back to the Garden or not is his choice."

Irvine's eyes bored into his own, both ignoring Zell's indignant protests in the background. The auburn-haired sharpshooter nodded slowly, and Squall suddenly received the uncomfortable feeling that the cowboy knew more than what the commander had confessed, an insight of sorts.

He gave a curt nod in return, signifying that he understood, and that was that.

Irvine looped an arm casually about Zell's shoulders, "C'mon, blondie, commander's got a job to do."

"But….what? I-" Zell was hopelessly confused.

His friend smiled indulgently, "I'll explain it to ya later." Giving a jaunty wave over his shoulder and calling, "See ya, Squall." The sharpshooter headed back toward the Garden with Zell in tow, leaving Squall alone again.

Adjusting Lionheart to a more comfortable position on his shoulder, Squall resumed his search for Seifer…and for answers.

Oo.oO

Said blond was on his third day of travel when he first realized he was being followed.

It was a slip on the part of one of his shadowers. He knew who they were, and he felt a small tingle of warmth at their loyalty. At least someone thought he was worth trailing, at best.

And Raijin's skills really had never included stalking.

Hearing a rustle of fauna and a twig break for the umpteenth time that day, Seifer finally reached his limit. Sitting down on a convenient rock, he allowed a moment to let the forest quiet around him.

A twig snapped.

"You two can come out you know." He remarked to the surrounding trees conversationally.

"SEIFER!" Fuujin's greeting sounded halfway between a scolding and an exultation…and a touch annoyed as well. They came loping forward from their "hiding places" to come up besides him, Raijin plopping himself down on the ground next to his rock.

"Why are you two following me?" He snapped, glowering at the pair as if they would disappear should he stare long enough.

Raijin looked like a big lost puppy, "We just thought you might need us, Seifer."

"Worried." Fuujin added, nodding her head in agreement.

He smiled then, just a little bit, he couldn't help himself. They were the only friends he had after all, they'd just proved that. "Well you should have come up and said so, you idiots!" He reprimanded, all business again, "With the way you were tailing me I might have did you in with Hyperion or something." He snorted, "Morons."

Fuujin raised a silver eyebrow elegantly, the only sign that she was amused and did not take what he had just said at all seriously.

Raijin pouted a little, "But if we'd tried to come along you'd have sent us back!" he complained.

"Would." The woman agreed.

"Hmph." Seifer scowled at them, "And how come you two know everything all of a sudden."

He knew though, that they were probably right. Not only because he was Seifer, strong, confident, swaggering gunblade-wielder, no, not just because of that, but because he had no intention of ever going back, and he didn't want to drag anyone down with him.

Then again, they could always leave if they wished. The solitude of the mountains he longed to reach might be too much for them in the end.

Then it would be just Seifer Almasy and his thoughts, all of them condemning, lonely memories. The sweet ones being locked away just out of his reach.

The price one pays for power. Guardian Forces.

At the beginning it had been thrilling, powerful. Now he had to wonder again if it was all worth it. What had not been taken away his own bitterness threatened to consume. His emotions felt like they were on self-destruct, and he'd never felt so worthless. Uneeded, unwanted, and his only friends were a curt woman with an eyepatch and a none to bright henchman. They probably followed him out of blind loyalty, for who would want to follow Seifer Almasy for his personality?

But, better them than no company at all, he decided darkly, served him right.

Eventually, they, like the rest of the world…like Squall, would see him as a monster, the monster he perceived himself to be, and they could go out and live their own lives, shunning him in the process.

And at the last, he would live and die alone.

The end to everyone's troubles.

But until then…

He stood, briefly stretching before striding towards the beckoning peaks. "Come. It you're so bent on coming then don't stand there all day! Move it!" He tried to bark at them like usual, like he had in the past, and apparently it was enough for them. They jogged beside him amiably.

But there had been something in the way Fuujin looked at him…

Oo.oO

**Review! Please! Please!**

**Thanks for the lovely reviews I've received for this story already, they brighten my day, they really do.**


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